If you’ve tried to break up with this person before and failed, you may have become embroiled in a codependent relationship.
Codependency is the psychological term for staying in a relationship because the other person is providing something that you need. You may not realize it, but your giving in to their pleading is because some aspect of their personality fulfills a need that you have. This used to be called having a rescue complex, a need to “fix” an emotionally damaged person.
When you are dealing with a codependent relationship it’s important to admit that you are keeping it alive just as much as the other person. Giving in to their refusal to let go tells them that they are in control. It gives them the power to stay in your life. When this happens you need to take back your life and let them know that they cannot control you or the relationship.
Be Compassionate but Firm
Study the list you made carefully and use it to reason with him or her. Most people will accept the break up when confronted by your reasonably expressed feelings that neither of you are being fulfilled. If they are still in love with you, it will hurt them much less when you break up with them this way; they will be sure of the reasons you’re leaving and won’t have to struggle with unresolved feelings.
The most important thing to remember is that you are the one that controls your life. The people you choose to have in your circle are your choice and no one can stay without your approval. Take back your power, be assertive but compassionate and stand firm in your insistence that the relationship is over.
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Belinda- you seem pretty fired up in telling Brittney that she doesn’t love her boyfriend. Well It’s not that cut and dry! You say you left in the middle of the night because you were with an abuser. Well was it that simple? Did you not love him becuase he had emotional damage? We are the partners of the abusers, but that doesn’t mean we see only evil. We also see a really good guy that we initially fell in love with. If it was only horrible things and nothing good to keep us there, we wouldn’t. Yes these men play off of that we are irreaplacable and they can’t live without us, they have tons and tons of self damage that they live with. That is what makes it so hard to leave, that we see them and what great people they are aside from the emotional damage. I am sorry that I too truely love someone who is emotionally abusive. That doesn’t make me stupid or that I want pitty, it makes me compassionate towards another person. I do need help in getting past this in life I am codependent along with a lot of these women.
Best way to get over a break up quickly is to agree to it without emotion. No crying or yelling please. What happens a lot of times is that somebody gets that initial break up, a letter or face to face and they go insane for a little while. They will try text message terrorism; they will message back and forth. They are trying to figure out what’s happened, is there anybody else they seeing, why they breaking up.
Drunk dialing is when they go out and have few drinks, before you know it they are on the phone calling you talking to their ex making a fool out of them self’s. What do you do and what should you do? Instead of text messages and drunk dialing you try to keep that relationship together. First, agree with a break up. Just say, you are right, I have seen this coming and the break up is the best thing for both of us.
If you want to go step more, overplay it and make it like it’s freedom. Say, I am glad you broth this up because I was thinking the same thing for a long time and it I s probable the best thing to do. If you have past that point and did text terrorism already and you find yourself in a very bad position this is what you should do. Write short email or letter and tell her, look I was acting kind of crazy and you are right, we should break up. That is your opening move not the end of the game. You HAVE to let them go before they ever going to come back.
There is a lot of reasons why this works. One of them is that people want what they can’t have. That works in every field, when is the hardest time to get credit, when you have zero credit.
Breaking up in any relationship is just a state of the mind. But it is better to break up a relationship than calling a divorce.