Break Up | Relationships & Breaking Up

Breaking Up With Your Girlfriend: Is it OK to Leave?

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Jan 232010

If you’re thinking about breaking up with your girlfriend and ask friends (or Google) for advice on how to do it, you’ll probably come across this standard advice:

Break up with your girlfriend face to face, not through an email or text message.
Use the approach of “It’s not you, it’s me.”
Speak from your heart and then allow her to have some space.
Be sensitive to her feelings.

While these tips are useful, they don’t help those of you who are having trouble getting over the first hurdle to break-ups. What you’re looking for is a method of breaking up that minimizes the pain and suffering for you both.

You may be hesitant to break up with your girlfriend because you feel guilty about ending a long relationship, or you’re afraid of how she will react. Or maybe your girlfriend depends on you and you worry about how she’ll do on her own. But at the same time that you don’t want to ruin her life, you are desperate to get your freedom back.

Here is the most important thing you need to know right now: You have permission to go.

Heartbreak is a part of life, and you can’t protect your girlfriend from getting hurt. There are no guarantees in love and everyone should enter into relationships with that understanding. People grow apart for many reasons, and you have permission to let go for any reason.

Maybe things started out perfectly, but your girlfriend eventually revealed an uglier side that was jealous and controlling. Or maybe you simply had a change of heart and want to move on. The point is: You have permission to move on.

Being in a relationship is a choice, and just as you made a choice to enter into a relationship, you can make a choice to leave it. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for 10 days or 10 years. A healthy relationship can’t be built on pity. Otherwise you are simply wasting your time and hers.

How to Break Up with a Nice Guy

boyfriend break up, break up, breaking up, ending a relationship, how to break up, nice guy 2 Responses »

Sep 042009

It’s easy to leave someone who hasn’t treated you well: You give them a piece of your mind and then say goodbye. But what if you find yourself in a relationship with a “nice guy”? He’s kind, sensitive, not a game-player or emotionally manipulative, but he just doesn’t “do it” for you.

Perhaps you’ve decided you’re more into “bad boys,” or maybe you’re just bored, but for whatever reason you want to get out of the relationship. Breaking up with a nice guy takes a little more finesse.

The traditional advice holds true: A telephone call generally isn’t appropriate (unless it’s long-distance, or other circumstances demand it). An email isn’t any nicer, and a text message is inexcusable. The only nice way is in person.

Arrange a time to see him so that you can tell him how you feel. Once you’re together, it’s best to say what’s on your mind sooner rather than later. You don’t want to have to fake your feelings or pretend that everything is OK.

There’s no easy way to let him know. The words you’ll say will depend on the exact reason you want to leave, but let him know that he deserves someone who wants to be with him with all her heart…but right now that person isn’t you.

This may be difficult for him to hear. On the other hand, he may have felt the same, but because he is a nice guy, he didn’t have the heart to tell you. If you’re really lucky, he’ll be relieved, and you can relax and start on a journey towards “just-friendship.”

Of course, he may be crushed and feel horrible. Tell him how sorry you are to cause him any pain. If he tells you how much he loves you, ask him if he would be happy with someone who didn’t love him equally. The only reasonable answer is “no.”

Most nice guys are great, but for others it’s just a mask behind which they can manipulate people. Watch out for emotional manipulation: attempts to elicit pity, accusations of cruelty and selfishness, or other similar behavior. You can cut him some slack because of his pain, but be careful of taking him back out of sympathy.

If you’re overcome with guilt, relax: We all sign up for the possibility of heartbreak when we enter a relationship. You owe him your honesty, compassion and kindness. You don’t owe him another chance, sex, or anything else that you don’t want.

Finally, remember to be cautious about pursuing a friendship – give him a proper amount of time to recover (which will vary depending on the length of the relationship). Here’s a good test: If you think he’d feel bad when hearing about your new boyfriend, you shouldn’t be friends.

For more advice, see my ebook:

The Break Up Guide: A Woman’s Guide to Leaving Unhappy Relationships – your guide to leaving as painlessly and compassionately as possible.

Why is Breaking Up So Hard? It Shouldn’t Be!

break up, ending a relationship 4 Responses »

Aug 162009

If you’re dating a sane, reasonable person, the break-up may be difficult, but it won’t feel scary or even impossible. After all, as long as you’re sensitive, honest, and kind, your partner should be OK.
However, if you’re having problems breaking up, there may be something more going on. Why is the thought of breaking up so intimidating?

Is your partner verbally or physically abusive?
Do you feel too much guilt?
Will your partner be completely devastated if you leave?
Are you scared that you won’t be OK on your own?

Regardless of the answer to the above, if you’re not happy and you want to leave, you must break up. If you don’t, you’re just wasting both your partner’s time and your own time.

Here’s what you need to know: You have permission to go. A relationship is always a choice. I’ve said it before: You can break up with anyone at anytime and for any reason. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together 10 days or 10 years: There is always the possiblility that one partner wants something else out of life or a partner.

Remember: Heartbreak is part of life, and we all agree to the possibility of heartbreak when we get involved with someone. There are no guarantees in love. You’re not being cruel to your partner by leaving him or her. The truth is, your partner should not want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with him or her.

When to Break Up With Your Boyfriend

break up, ending a relationship, when to break up 1 Response »

Aug 142009

You’ve been with the same guy for over a year now. You’re in it for the win: marriage with children, the whole shebang. You thought you’d found Mr. Right, but lately you’re starting to wonder. How can you tell when you’ve let a relationship go on too long?

1. You’re at different points in life.
You’re high school sweethearts, together since freshman year, but now it’s time for you to go off to college, and your boyfriend is staying local. Or maybe your man is ready for commitment, but you still need time to settle down. Remember always to put yourself first. Don’t give up that dream job or that year in South America you’ve been planning your whole life. If your relationship isn’t compatible with your own personal goals, then you and your guy may need to go separate ways.

2. You want different things out of life.
Some say relationships are all about compromise; but everyone knows that compromise is often a euphemism for nobody getting what he or she really wants. It’s all right to compromise on the color of your bed sheets or on where to go for dinner; but when it comes to bigger, more serious matters-like city or suburbs, Christmas or Hanukkah, how many kids to have, or whether to have them at all-compromise isn’t always an option. If you’re starting to realize that he may not want the same things out of life as you do, then you may want to start thinking of finding someone else.

3. He doesn’t do the things he used to do.
Remember when you two first met? Remember all those cute little things he did that made you fall in love with him? Did he tell stupid jokes to make you smile, hold you by the waist when he kissed you good night, and text you from work to tell you he was thinking of you? If those things stopped-which they typically do-you may want to ask yourself what’s keeping you in the relationship. Are you really in love with the guy, or did you just fall in love with the way he treated you? Lots of guys can play the game; but when it’s game over, don’t let his all-star performance keep you in a relationship that you don’t really want.

4. You don’t do the things you used to do.
On the same note, do you remember the things that you used to do? You probably used to call your girlfriends to analyze the last detail of every date. You probably agonized over whether to call him or wait for him to call you. You probably gushed over his every move. But now that the romance has dwindled down, are you starting to find his every move a little bit obnoxious? If you aren’t responding to your man like you used to, it’s possible you may be over him without even knowing it.

5. You have thoughts of being with other men.
It’s one thing to look; it’s another to think. If you find yourself fantasizing about being with other men-not just sexually but also emotionally-you may not be as happy with your current mate as you need to be if things are going to last. Take inventory of how often you consider leaving your relationship for a new one. You may in fact be ready for a change.

If you need help ending a relationship, go here for your break up guide: www.LeavingHim.com

Break Off an Engagement: How to Break Up With Your Fiance and Avoid a Marriage You Don’t Want

break up, breaking up, ending a relationship, engagement, fiance, marriage, when to break up 54 Responses »

Aug 112009

A marriage can be a beautiful thing.

But…if you’re on the path to marriage, and a part of your brain is yelling, “This isn’t what I want!,” you may want to reconsider. Sometimes we get caught up in the expectations of our partner, our family, our partner’s family, or society (“We’ve been dating for 2 years, so I guess I have to…”).

A relationship is a choice to build something. If you’re on the verge of proposing — or you’re already engaged – and you have a sense that it’s not truly what you want…you may be setting both of you up for a difficult life.

By the time you have the courage to pursue a life you want, you may have kids, financial obligations, and a whole list of reasons why you can’t leave.

But if you’re not married, you don’t have those obligations. You still have a choice.

Unfortunately, most of us have a talent for creating excuses for staying:

“He’ll go berserk if I leave.”
“I’m really close with his family.”
“She’s already started planning the wedding.”
“I gave her my word (and a ring).”

Regarding the last point, yes, keeping promises is important, but fulfilling a promise of marriage is the wrong choice if you’re experiencing strong doubt. If you made that promise in error, you must let her know sooner rather than later.

The bottom line is this: If you’re having strong second thoughts (not just cold feet) about your engagement, or you never felt truly committed to the idea in the first place, you may be destined for:

1) A lifetime of disappointment

2) A difficult divorce

You need to make a decision now, and act on it, so you don’t waste BOTH your lives.

Should You Leave Him (or Her)? Knowing When to Breakup an Unhealthy Relationship

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Jul 262009

“Sometimes, it can be difficult to know when to leave a relationship.
Perhaps things aren’t great, but they’re not too bad either. It’s easy
to sit on the fence for a while and just let fate take over, but it’s
better to make a deliberate choice to stay or go. When making this
decision, an important question to ask yourself is, “”Is this
relationship unhealthy?”"

Unhealthy relationships follow identifiable patterns. Though
circumstances always vary from couple to couple, they are often
characterized by:

- Frequent arguments
- Frequent criticism on either side
- Inability to tolerate the other’s personal quirks
- Intolerance of the other’s friends or family
- Unfair expectations
- Hyper-sensitivity by one or both partners
- Intolerance of occasional lapses of attention
- Psychological problems that lead to behavioral ones
- Inability to address conflicts in a mature fashion
- Excessive jealousy and mistrust
- Extreme insecurity or major obstacles involving low self-esteem
- One or both partners have addictive or destructive tendencies
- Few, if any, mutual friends
- One partner gets easily upset over unimportant or petty things
- Excessive clingy-ness
- One or both partners feels as if they are “”walking on eggshells”"
much of the time
- Difficulty discussing feelings

This is by no means and exhaustive list, and just represents some of
the traits that characterize an unhealthy relationship.

Your significant other is supposed to be a source of comfort in the
world, not a persistent source of stress and anxiety. If your
relationship offers no sense of peace or safety, it’s time to end it.
If the problems escalate to physical or emotional abuse, the need to
breakup is even more urgent.

If you want to leave your partner but have too much fear and anxiety
at the thought of breaking up, there is help. Check out the links
below.

Michael Freeman, M.A., helps women and men get FREEDOM from unhappy
relationships. Ladies can find breakup guidance here, and men can find
help here.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Michael_S._Freeman

Michael Freeman, M.A., helps men and women leave unhappy, unhealthy relationships. See w www.leavinghim.com (for women), or www.leavingher.com (for men).

How to Break Up: General Guidelines

break up, breaking up, ending a relationship, how to break up, relationship break up, unhappy relationships, when to break up No Responses »

Jul 092009

Don’t delay

Do you have the sense that eventually you will leave your partner, though now is just not the right time. With a birthday coming up, a parent who is ill, or an important interview on the horizon, you just can’t leave her now in her time of need. The truth is, there is never a good time to leave, and the sooner you do it, the sooner you both can get on with your lives.

Do it in person, if possible.

Breakups can be traumatic for both parties, but especially for the person being “dumped.” Do everything you can to show them the respect and consideration they deserve. Don’t break-up by email or text!

Don’t Criticize

Be honest, but leave you personal criticizm. Talk about the circumstances, and not about personal faults. Avoid blaming.

That said, you can gently criticize if you think it will help them in the future, though be sensitive and cautious – your words may stick in his/her mind for years to come.

Don’t flip/flop

It’s difficult to hurt someone’s feelings, and in the moment it may seem like it’s a good idea to try again. Don’t do this – you’ll be faced with the same problems in the future, and it’ll only be more difficult to break up at that time.

No contact

Everyone violates this rule. They insist on trying to forge a friendship out of a recently broken up relationship. It’s a bad idea, and it only makes it harder for both parties. If possible, don’t mention friendship, or speak of it in terms of way down the road. No contact: A simple rule, so follow it!

For more help, check out the break-up guides below:

How to break up for men, and how to break up for women.

Michael Freeman, M.A.

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