Breaking Up | Relationships & Breaking Up

New: Join the forums for advice

Nov 262009

I’ve noticed that there’s not an adequate place to intelligent discuss relationships and (especially) break-ups. Too often, people need go to Yahoo! Answers or similar places, where good advice is hard to come by. That’s why I added forums to RelationshipBreakup101.

The forums went live just moments ago.

It only takes a second to register. Even though there’s not much there now, don’t be shy about posting – this site gets more and more visitors every day, and if you post, others will reply. In fact, I’ll personally be monitoring and giving advice to early posters, so go there now!

Is There a Reason You Can’t Break Up?

breaking up 3 Responses »

Oct 082009

If you’ve tried to break up with this person before and failed, you may have become embroiled in a codependent relationship.

Codependency is the psychological term for staying in a relationship because the other person is providing something that you need. You may not realize it, but your giving in to their pleading is because some aspect of their personality fulfills a need that you have. This used to be called having a rescue complex, a need to “fix” an emotionally damaged person.

When you are dealing with a codependent relationship it’s important to admit that you are keeping it alive just as much as the other person. Giving in to their refusal to let go tells them that they are in control. It gives them the power to stay in your life. When this happens you need to take back your life and let them know that they cannot control you or the relationship.

Be Compassionate but Firm

Study the list you made carefully and use it to reason with him or her. Most people will accept the break up when confronted by your reasonably expressed feelings that neither of you are being fulfilled. If they are still in love with you, it will hurt them much less when you break up with them this way; they will be sure of the reasons you’re leaving and won’t have to struggle with unresolved feelings.

The most important thing to remember is that you are the one that controls your life. The people you choose to have in your circle are your choice and no one can stay without your approval. Take back your power, be assertive but compassionate and stand firm in your insistence that the relationship is over.

How to Break Up with a Nice Guy

boyfriend break up, break up, breaking up, ending a relationship, how to break up, nice guy 2 Responses »

Sep 042009

It’s easy to leave someone who hasn’t treated you well: You give them a piece of your mind and then say goodbye. But what if you find yourself in a relationship with a “nice guy”? He’s kind, sensitive, not a game-player or emotionally manipulative, but he just doesn’t “do it” for you.

Perhaps you’ve decided you’re more into “bad boys,” or maybe you’re just bored, but for whatever reason you want to get out of the relationship. Breaking up with a nice guy takes a little more finesse.

The traditional advice holds true: A telephone call generally isn’t appropriate (unless it’s long-distance, or other circumstances demand it). An email isn’t any nicer, and a text message is inexcusable. The only nice way is in person.

Arrange a time to see him so that you can tell him how you feel. Once you’re together, it’s best to say what’s on your mind sooner rather than later. You don’t want to have to fake your feelings or pretend that everything is OK.

There’s no easy way to let him know. The words you’ll say will depend on the exact reason you want to leave, but let him know that he deserves someone who wants to be with him with all her heart…but right now that person isn’t you.

This may be difficult for him to hear. On the other hand, he may have felt the same, but because he is a nice guy, he didn’t have the heart to tell you. If you’re really lucky, he’ll be relieved, and you can relax and start on a journey towards “just-friendship.”

Of course, he may be crushed and feel horrible. Tell him how sorry you are to cause him any pain. If he tells you how much he loves you, ask him if he would be happy with someone who didn’t love him equally. The only reasonable answer is “no.”

Most nice guys are great, but for others it’s just a mask behind which they can manipulate people. Watch out for emotional manipulation: attempts to elicit pity, accusations of cruelty and selfishness, or other similar behavior. You can cut him some slack because of his pain, but be careful of taking him back out of sympathy.

If you’re overcome with guilt, relax: We all sign up for the possibility of heartbreak when we enter a relationship. You owe him your honesty, compassion and kindness. You don’t owe him another chance, sex, or anything else that you don’t want.

Finally, remember to be cautious about pursuing a friendship – give him a proper amount of time to recover (which will vary depending on the length of the relationship). Here’s a good test: If you think he’d feel bad when hearing about your new boyfriend, you shouldn’t be friends.

For more advice, see my ebook:

The Break Up Guide: A Woman’s Guide to Leaving Unhappy Relationships – your guide to leaving as painlessly and compassionately as possible.

Breaking Up with Your Boyfriend: How to Know if it’s Time

boyfriend break up, breaking up, when to break up 3 Responses »

Aug 272009

Today we have a guest blog from Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) and relationship expert who goes by the name Perry (online, at least). Perry is giving her take on when you might consider breaking up with your boyfriend).

You’ve been with the same guy for over a year now. You’re in it for the win: marriage with children, the whole shebang. You thought you’d found Mr. Right, but lately you’re starting to wonder. How can you tell when you’ve let a relationship go on too long?

You’re at different points in life.

You’re high school sweethearts, together since freshman year, but now it’s time for you to go off to college, and your boyfriend is staying local. Or maybe your man is ready for commitment, but you still need time to settle down. Remember always to put yourself first. Don’t give up that dream job or that year in South America you’ve been planning your whole life. If your relationship isn’t compatible with your own personal goals, then you and your guy may need to go separate ways.

You want different things out of life.

Some say relationships are all about compromise; but everyone knows that compromise is often a euphemism for nobody getting what he or she really wants. It’s all right to compromise on the color of your bed sheets or on where to go for dinner; but when it comes to bigger, more serious matters-like city or suburbs, Christmas or Hanukkah, how many kids to have, or whether to have them at all-compromise isn’t always an option. If you’re starting to realize that he may not want the same things out of life as you do, then you may want to start thinking of finding someone else.

He doesn’t do the things he used to do.

Remember when you two first met? Remember all those cute little things he did that made you fall in love with him? Did he tell stupid jokes to make you smile, hold you by the waist when he kissed you good night, and text you from work to tell you he was thinking of you? If those things stopped-which they typically do-you may want to ask yourself what’s keeping you in the relationship. Are you really in love with the guy, or did you just fall in love with the way he treated you? Lots of guys can play the game; but when it’s game over, don’t let his all-star performance keep you in a relationship that you don’t really want.

You don’t do the things you used to do.

On the same note, do you remember the things that you used to do? You probably used to call your girlfriends to analyze the last detail of every date. You probably agonized over whether to call him or wait for him to call you. You probably gushed over his every move. But now that the romance has dwindled down, are you starting to find his every move a little bit obnoxious? If you aren’t responding to your man like you used to, it’s possible you may be over him without even knowing it.

You have thoughts of being with other men.

It’s one thing to look; it’s another to think. If you find yourself fantasizing about being with other men-not just sexually but also emotionally-you may not be as happy with your current mate as you need to be if things are going to last. Take inventory of how often you consider leaving your relationship for a new one. You may in fact be ready for a change.

"Get Your Ex Back" Products: Do They Actually Work?

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Aug 112009

The internet is littered with eBooks and programs on how to get your ex back. I’m constantly seeing ads shouting:

“Get Your Ex Beg You to Come Back, Guaranteed!” “10 Sure-Fire Ways to Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Crawling Back!” “Top-Secret Tricks to Win Back Your Girlfriend or Wife!” Are these products legitimate?

They are generally a collection of sometimes common-sense strategies to bring back your ex. Most ideas revolve around:

Showing off a new confidence, look, and/or personality
Making the ex jealous by dating/flirting/etc.
Re-framing the break-up as mutual (“Let’s both take a break”)
Showing the ex that you’re moving on — basically, using “reverse psychology.”
…and a multitude of other strategies and gimmicks.

Do they work?

The better products (I don’t endorse any particular one) may give you insight into your past behavior, show you what you may have done to push your ex away, and help you become a more balanced person. They may help you get rid of unattractive qualities (such as neediness), and encourage you to make yourself more attractive. In other words, they may indeed work, helping you get your ex to desire a relationship with you again.

On the other hand, as always, the buyer has to beware. It’s a common practice to market products (especially internet products) with phony or highly embellished testimonials. It’s also common to “talk up” products well beyond what they’re actually able to deliver.

Most “Get Your Ex Back” products are not willing to say what should be obvious: Many times, your partner won’t take you back, no matter what you do.

Ask yourself: Have you ever broken up with someone who you absolutely wouldn’t take back? Even if they were a great person? Sometimes, one partner just wants or need something else, and the relationship can’t work. We all have free will, so take the promises of “Get Your Ex Back” products with a grain of salt.

Marketing to the Desperate

As internet marketers know, desperate customers make the best customers. I’m not saying don’t buy these products: It’s OK to feel needy and desperate sometimes, and it’s OK to seek comfort in quirky internet products. If you have the money, they can help you find some of the perspective and self-esteem you may lost in the break-up (at least, the good ones can).

Just remember that some internet marketers will gladly take advantage of your desperation. Avoid anything that:

Makes wild promises of “amazing secrets” that are “normally worth thousands of dollars”
Guarantees that your ex will absolutely come back
Charges an unreasonable amount of money
Comes off as slimey, sleazy or manipulative

I believes that it’s a seller’s responsibility to behave responsibly when it comes to serving “desperate” customers. They should follow certain principles, including the following:

Make it affordable for everyone who faces the situation — making it excessively expensive and customers may hurt themselves financially because they feel desperate
Provide a sample so customers know exactly what they’re getting
Avoid wild claims, manipulative text and false testimonials

I believe that all products marketed to people who are struggling — including “Get Your Ex Back” products — should follow these guideline. It’s OK to let your broken heart get the best of you. Just don’t let marketers take advantage of you during a difficult time in your life.

Break Off an Engagement: How to Break Up With Your Fiance and Avoid a Marriage You Don’t Want

break up, breaking up, ending a relationship, engagement, fiance, marriage, when to break up 54 Responses »

Aug 112009

A marriage can be a beautiful thing.

But…if you’re on the path to marriage, and a part of your brain is yelling, “This isn’t what I want!,” you may want to reconsider. Sometimes we get caught up in the expectations of our partner, our family, our partner’s family, or society (“We’ve been dating for 2 years, so I guess I have to…”).

A relationship is a choice to build something. If you’re on the verge of proposing — or you’re already engaged – and you have a sense that it’s not truly what you want…you may be setting both of you up for a difficult life.

By the time you have the courage to pursue a life you want, you may have kids, financial obligations, and a whole list of reasons why you can’t leave.

But if you’re not married, you don’t have those obligations. You still have a choice.

Unfortunately, most of us have a talent for creating excuses for staying:

“He’ll go berserk if I leave.”
“I’m really close with his family.”
“She’s already started planning the wedding.”
“I gave her my word (and a ring).”

Regarding the last point, yes, keeping promises is important, but fulfilling a promise of marriage is the wrong choice if you’re experiencing strong doubt. If you made that promise in error, you must let her know sooner rather than later.

The bottom line is this: If you’re having strong second thoughts (not just cold feet) about your engagement, or you never felt truly committed to the idea in the first place, you may be destined for:

1) A lifetime of disappointment

2) A difficult divorce

You need to make a decision now, and act on it, so you don’t waste BOTH your lives.

Break Up with Your Girlfriend Flow Chart

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Aug 032009

Here’s a tongue-in-cheek flowchart. It may not be serious (no text break-ups, please), though it’s not half bad.

My "Guilt" article on Lovesagame.com

breaking up 2 Responses »

Jul 312009

Check out my article on guilt over at Eddie Corbano's blog, LovesAGame. It explores the predicament of feeling too guilty too leave a relationship.

Eddie's a great guy, and his blog helps a lot of folks on all sides of break up and relationship issues.

How to Break-Up When Your Partner Won’t Let You

breaking up No Responses »

Jul 312009

I recently received an email from a client that went like this:

"Dear Michael,

I tried to break up with my girl today, but it was unsuccessful. I think of her as being clingy, overbearing, domineering, and over emotional. I don't feel comfortable in expressing myself to her, and I'm always holding my breath in fear that I'll do or say something that will result in an emotional outburst. I just don't feel comfortable with her.

Anyway, I tried to break up with her. I tried to keep it simple and didn't blame her for anything. Then she wanted to know all the reasons why I wanted to break it off. I didn't want to tell her because now she wants to work out the problems and move on. The thing is I don't want to proceed with the relationship, and if I continue I'll be in a marriage that I don't want to be in. All the reasons I gave weren't respected. Almost of if she's saying, "Let's hurry up and get through this so we can move on [with our relationship]." These are deep concerns I have and there not to be solved in a twenty minutes.

[The letter goes on in detail -- omitted for privacy reasons].

My questions are:

Why didn't she respect how I felt and let me out of the relationship?

How do I get out of it now?

- [Name withheld]"

My reply:

Dear [name withheld],

If you truly want to get out, you don't need her permission. You also don't need to analyze the situation or have endless talks. Your wanting to leave doesn't mean she's unlovable, but it's not your job to convince her of that. If she can't understand why you want to leave, or she feels she has a right to keep you, that's her problem to deal with. That's not cruel — that's just how a normal, healthy adult would respond to the situation.

When she asks for all the reasons, you can just say, "I'm sorry, it's just not what I want anymore. It's just how I feel — it's not a list of reasons that I can express to you." You don't need her to respect your feelings; you just need to physically move on. You DON'T need her to "let" you leave.

If she doesn't respect or agree with the decision, that's fine, but it can't stop you. The steps you need to take are obvious (moving out, stop giving her your time, etc.). Moving on isn't difficult…[Details omitted. Specifics can be found in my breakup guide for men at LeavingHer.com, or my break up guide for women at LeavingHim.com].

I recently read a book by a very rich man — the founder of Maxim magazine. He said he'd trade all of his riches in a heartbeat just to be a bit younger and have more time. Time is the most important thing we have. Don't waste any more of your time or hers. Good luck!

Your friend,

Michael

Need to Breakup with a Controlling, Needy, Jealous Boyfriend?

boyfriend break up, breaking up, clingy, jealousy 1 Response »

Jul 262009

Do you have a sense that your partner restricts your lifestyle with excessive neediness, jealousy, controlling behavior, or by being too demanding. A relationship is a place to build something — both partners should help the other expand their horizons. Compromises need to be made, but neither partner should have the sense that they are constrained by neediness, jealousy, etc. If your relationship has more in common with a hostage situation than a healthy relationship, you may need relationship help fast.

Your relationship may be unhealthy if your partner:

Demands to be by your side as often as possible
Expects you to call him multiple times a day
Needs to know where you’re going at all times
Shows jealousy over your normal interactions with other men
Frowns on your having female friends
Discourages you from spending time with male friends
Has you walking on eggshells for fear of “slipping up”
Demands to analyze everything about your relationship
Pressures you to make commitments for which you’re not ready, such as marriage

You may be accustomed to her behaving like this, and you might accept that it’s just the way he is. It’s your choice if you wish to maintain a relationship with someone who acts like this, but it’s important to be aware of these behaviors — they are signs of an unhealthy relationship. When one partner is controlling or unstable, the other partner often experiences negative physical and mental effects from the stress. A lifetime of tolerating this behavior is a miserable existence.

What if you have no desire to maintain this relationship? Are you putting off the inevitable? Do you have the sense that eventually you will leave your partner, though now is just not the right time. With a birthday coming up, a parent who is ill, or an important interview on the horizon, you just can’t leave her now in her time of need. The truth is, there is never a good time to leave, and the sooner you do it, the sooner you both can get on with your lives.

If you see your relationship described here, this describes you, take action. Go to my site on leaving unhappy relationships.

Michael Freeman, M.A., helps men and women leave unhappy, unhealthy relationships. See http://www.breakupblueprint.com/ (for women), or http://www.leavingher.com/ (for men).

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