Ending A Relationship | Relationships & Breaking Up

Breaking Up With Your Girlfriend: Is it OK to Leave?

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Jan 232010

If you’re thinking about breaking up with your girlfriend and ask friends (or Google) for advice on how to do it, you’ll probably come across this standard advice:

Break up with your girlfriend face to face, not through an email or text message.
Use the approach of “It’s not you, it’s me.”
Speak from your heart and then allow her to have some space.
Be sensitive to her feelings.

While these tips are useful, they don’t help those of you who are having trouble getting over the first hurdle to break-ups. What you’re looking for is a method of breaking up that minimizes the pain and suffering for you both.

You may be hesitant to break up with your girlfriend because you feel guilty about ending a long relationship, or you’re afraid of how she will react. Or maybe your girlfriend depends on you and you worry about how she’ll do on her own. But at the same time that you don’t want to ruin her life, you are desperate to get your freedom back.

Here is the most important thing you need to know right now: You have permission to go.

Heartbreak is a part of life, and you can’t protect your girlfriend from getting hurt. There are no guarantees in love and everyone should enter into relationships with that understanding. People grow apart for many reasons, and you have permission to let go for any reason.

Maybe things started out perfectly, but your girlfriend eventually revealed an uglier side that was jealous and controlling. Or maybe you simply had a change of heart and want to move on. The point is: You have permission to move on.

Being in a relationship is a choice, and just as you made a choice to enter into a relationship, you can make a choice to leave it. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for 10 days or 10 years. A healthy relationship can’t be built on pity. Otherwise you are simply wasting your time and hers.

“Should I divorce?” Advice to determine if you should break up your marriage

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Sep 262009

Nobody gets married with the idea of getting a divorce if it doesn’t work out. We marry because we love each other and we’re sure that it will be that way till death separates us. But even the best of intentions and the most Herculean efforts must sometimes meet a brick wall and that’s when we know that it’s time to move on.

What are the Symptoms?

If you think you’ve hit the wall, ask yourself a few questions:

Do they expect you to make them happy?

Do you have to account for every moment of your time?

Has your spouse lost interest in being alone with you?

Does your spouse make excuses not to go places or do things?

Are you arguing over silly things, or do you both fly off the handle at the least little thing?

If you’re experiencing any of these symptoms in your marriage you should run, not walk to a marriage counselor or trusted clergy member that is qualified in couples counseling. It won’t get better on its own, just as an ear infection doesn’t disappear without antibiotics. Just as an untreated ear infection can result in a ruined eardrum, ignoring the strife in your marriage can lead to divorce.

What if Nothing Works?

If your mate refuses to get counseling or admit that the two of you have a problem, you have two choices; you can live with it or you can end it. Before you make a decision that is such a significant life changer you should do a bit of research.

First, make two separate lists. One will consist of the negative things in your marriage in one column and the other will list the positive things. Your second list will concern your mate; list the traits that he or she had when you were first married and then their personality traits at the present time. How have they changed? Is there something on the first list that corresponds to the second? Lists are a good tool to use in taking an objective look at your marriage. They can also allow you to see events and consequences that correspond. Perhaps your spouse began to disconnect with you after the loss of a job or an illness.

If you can find no connections to the disruption in your marriage, take another look at your first list. Do the good things outweigh the bad? Are they something that can be fixed if you share it with your spouse? If not, perhaps it’s time to have one last conversation and discuss ending the marriage.

A Happy Ending?

It’s important to realize that every couple goes through difficult times. Most of these trials can make the couple stronger and more committed but sometimes even the most dedicated marriages break apart. Knowing when to end it can spare everyone more pain and may even result in parting as friends. The end of the marriage could actually be the beginning of a rewarding friendship.

Recovering from a Long-Term Relationship Break-Up

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Sep 072009

Ending a long-term relationship can feel traumatic. You may encounter some emotional hurdles before you can relax and enjoy the single life.

When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, even if it didn’t end well, you’ll probably experience a sense of loss: Loss of companionship, intimacy, routines, rituals, and shared pleasures. Suddenly you have more time than you know what to do with. There’s no one to talk to about the ordinary day-to-day concerns, and you have to start inventing things to do on a Saturday night.

Remember Why You’re Separating

The emotional intimacy is something you can’t immediately replace. If you initiated the break up, you may start to have a creeping sense of regret as the benefits of companionship come to light. If it was your partner who initiated it, you may feel a sting of painful emotion whenever you’re reminded of things you’ll miss.

While you’re in that period of adjustment, you need to come up with ways to see this as a positive time in your life. Don’t wallow in thoughts of what you miss; concentrate instead on all the things about the relationship that led you to leave.

Even if your partner initiated the break up, you should realize that it’s for the best: You deserve someone who wholeheartedly wants to be with you. And regardless of whether you wanted a separation, there’s a good chance that your relationship was strained in the end – you probably feel as if a burden has lifted. Try to fixate more on that feeling of freedom that any sense of loss.

A New Beginning

It’s important to look at the emptiness of the post-break weeks and months as the germination period for a brand new beginning. You’re free to explore the social world and seek some of the things you missed in the relationship.

The time after a break up of a long relationship is the chance to investigate who you are as an individual, what you love, and how you enjoy spending your time. In as many ways as you can, surround yourself with things that give you pleasure and people who share your passions.

It’s also important that you spend time with yourself during the post-break-up time, and not rush desperately into finding a replacement. Rebound relationships rarely work (unless they’ve been simmering for a long time already) because they are undertaken to fill a void.

Whether you’re open to a new sexual relationship may depend on how vulnerable and emotionally stable you feel (as well as whether you prefer to save sex for a committed relationship). But if you’re seeking a substantial relationship before you’re recovered, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Confidence in the Future

You might feel anxious about your future prospects, and be filled with doubt over whether you’ll ever be happy, especially if this is your first major relationship. Just realize that anxiety and painful emotions are fleeting, and keep the phrase “this too will pass” as your mantra. Life often works like this: You experience some hardship, but then your future brings unexpected people and events that make you grateful for the experience. Take pleasure in imagining a future that’s much more fulfilling than your recent past.

How to Break Up with a Nice Guy

boyfriend break up, break up, breaking up, ending a relationship, how to break up, nice guy 2 Responses »

Sep 042009

It’s easy to leave someone who hasn’t treated you well: You give them a piece of your mind and then say goodbye. But what if you find yourself in a relationship with a “nice guy”? He’s kind, sensitive, not a game-player or emotionally manipulative, but he just doesn’t “do it” for you.

Perhaps you’ve decided you’re more into “bad boys,” or maybe you’re just bored, but for whatever reason you want to get out of the relationship. Breaking up with a nice guy takes a little more finesse.

The traditional advice holds true: A telephone call generally isn’t appropriate (unless it’s long-distance, or other circumstances demand it). An email isn’t any nicer, and a text message is inexcusable. The only nice way is in person.

Arrange a time to see him so that you can tell him how you feel. Once you’re together, it’s best to say what’s on your mind sooner rather than later. You don’t want to have to fake your feelings or pretend that everything is OK.

There’s no easy way to let him know. The words you’ll say will depend on the exact reason you want to leave, but let him know that he deserves someone who wants to be with him with all her heart…but right now that person isn’t you.

This may be difficult for him to hear. On the other hand, he may have felt the same, but because he is a nice guy, he didn’t have the heart to tell you. If you’re really lucky, he’ll be relieved, and you can relax and start on a journey towards “just-friendship.”

Of course, he may be crushed and feel horrible. Tell him how sorry you are to cause him any pain. If he tells you how much he loves you, ask him if he would be happy with someone who didn’t love him equally. The only reasonable answer is “no.”

Most nice guys are great, but for others it’s just a mask behind which they can manipulate people. Watch out for emotional manipulation: attempts to elicit pity, accusations of cruelty and selfishness, or other similar behavior. You can cut him some slack because of his pain, but be careful of taking him back out of sympathy.

If you’re overcome with guilt, relax: We all sign up for the possibility of heartbreak when we enter a relationship. You owe him your honesty, compassion and kindness. You don’t owe him another chance, sex, or anything else that you don’t want.

Finally, remember to be cautious about pursuing a friendship – give him a proper amount of time to recover (which will vary depending on the length of the relationship). Here’s a good test: If you think he’d feel bad when hearing about your new boyfriend, you shouldn’t be friends.

For more advice, see my ebook:

The Break Up Guide: A Woman’s Guide to Leaving Unhappy Relationships – your guide to leaving as painlessly and compassionately as possible.

Why is Breaking Up So Hard? It Shouldn’t Be!

break up, ending a relationship 4 Responses »

Aug 162009

If you’re dating a sane, reasonable person, the break-up may be difficult, but it won’t feel scary or even impossible. After all, as long as you’re sensitive, honest, and kind, your partner should be OK.
However, if you’re having problems breaking up, there may be something more going on. Why is the thought of breaking up so intimidating?

Is your partner verbally or physically abusive?
Do you feel too much guilt?
Will your partner be completely devastated if you leave?
Are you scared that you won’t be OK on your own?

Regardless of the answer to the above, if you’re not happy and you want to leave, you must break up. If you don’t, you’re just wasting both your partner’s time and your own time.

Here’s what you need to know: You have permission to go. A relationship is always a choice. I’ve said it before: You can break up with anyone at anytime and for any reason. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together 10 days or 10 years: There is always the possiblility that one partner wants something else out of life or a partner.

Remember: Heartbreak is part of life, and we all agree to the possibility of heartbreak when we get involved with someone. There are no guarantees in love. You’re not being cruel to your partner by leaving him or her. The truth is, your partner should not want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with him or her.

When to Break Up With Your Boyfriend

break up, ending a relationship, when to break up 1 Response »

Aug 142009

You’ve been with the same guy for over a year now. You’re in it for the win: marriage with children, the whole shebang. You thought you’d found Mr. Right, but lately you’re starting to wonder. How can you tell when you’ve let a relationship go on too long?

1. You’re at different points in life.
You’re high school sweethearts, together since freshman year, but now it’s time for you to go off to college, and your boyfriend is staying local. Or maybe your man is ready for commitment, but you still need time to settle down. Remember always to put yourself first. Don’t give up that dream job or that year in South America you’ve been planning your whole life. If your relationship isn’t compatible with your own personal goals, then you and your guy may need to go separate ways.

2. You want different things out of life.
Some say relationships are all about compromise; but everyone knows that compromise is often a euphemism for nobody getting what he or she really wants. It’s all right to compromise on the color of your bed sheets or on where to go for dinner; but when it comes to bigger, more serious matters-like city or suburbs, Christmas or Hanukkah, how many kids to have, or whether to have them at all-compromise isn’t always an option. If you’re starting to realize that he may not want the same things out of life as you do, then you may want to start thinking of finding someone else.

3. He doesn’t do the things he used to do.
Remember when you two first met? Remember all those cute little things he did that made you fall in love with him? Did he tell stupid jokes to make you smile, hold you by the waist when he kissed you good night, and text you from work to tell you he was thinking of you? If those things stopped-which they typically do-you may want to ask yourself what’s keeping you in the relationship. Are you really in love with the guy, or did you just fall in love with the way he treated you? Lots of guys can play the game; but when it’s game over, don’t let his all-star performance keep you in a relationship that you don’t really want.

4. You don’t do the things you used to do.
On the same note, do you remember the things that you used to do? You probably used to call your girlfriends to analyze the last detail of every date. You probably agonized over whether to call him or wait for him to call you. You probably gushed over his every move. But now that the romance has dwindled down, are you starting to find his every move a little bit obnoxious? If you aren’t responding to your man like you used to, it’s possible you may be over him without even knowing it.

5. You have thoughts of being with other men.
It’s one thing to look; it’s another to think. If you find yourself fantasizing about being with other men-not just sexually but also emotionally-you may not be as happy with your current mate as you need to be if things are going to last. Take inventory of how often you consider leaving your relationship for a new one. You may in fact be ready for a change.

If you need help ending a relationship, go here for your break up guide: www.LeavingHim.com

Break Off an Engagement: How to Break Up With Your Fiance and Avoid a Marriage You Don’t Want

break up, breaking up, ending a relationship, engagement, fiance, marriage, when to break up 54 Responses »

Aug 112009

A marriage can be a beautiful thing.

But…if you’re on the path to marriage, and a part of your brain is yelling, “This isn’t what I want!,” you may want to reconsider. Sometimes we get caught up in the expectations of our partner, our family, our partner’s family, or society (“We’ve been dating for 2 years, so I guess I have to…”).

A relationship is a choice to build something. If you’re on the verge of proposing — or you’re already engaged – and you have a sense that it’s not truly what you want…you may be setting both of you up for a difficult life.

By the time you have the courage to pursue a life you want, you may have kids, financial obligations, and a whole list of reasons why you can’t leave.

But if you’re not married, you don’t have those obligations. You still have a choice.

Unfortunately, most of us have a talent for creating excuses for staying:

“He’ll go berserk if I leave.”
“I’m really close with his family.”
“She’s already started planning the wedding.”
“I gave her my word (and a ring).”

Regarding the last point, yes, keeping promises is important, but fulfilling a promise of marriage is the wrong choice if you’re experiencing strong doubt. If you made that promise in error, you must let her know sooner rather than later.

The bottom line is this: If you’re having strong second thoughts (not just cold feet) about your engagement, or you never felt truly committed to the idea in the first place, you may be destined for:

1) A lifetime of disappointment

2) A difficult divorce

You need to make a decision now, and act on it, so you don’t waste BOTH your lives.

How to Break Up: General Guidelines

break up, breaking up, ending a relationship, how to break up, relationship break up, unhappy relationships, when to break up No Responses »

Jul 092009

Don’t delay

Do you have the sense that eventually you will leave your partner, though now is just not the right time. With a birthday coming up, a parent who is ill, or an important interview on the horizon, you just can’t leave her now in her time of need. The truth is, there is never a good time to leave, and the sooner you do it, the sooner you both can get on with your lives.

Do it in person, if possible.

Breakups can be traumatic for both parties, but especially for the person being “dumped.” Do everything you can to show them the respect and consideration they deserve. Don’t break-up by email or text!

Don’t Criticize

Be honest, but leave you personal criticizm. Talk about the circumstances, and not about personal faults. Avoid blaming.

That said, you can gently criticize if you think it will help them in the future, though be sensitive and cautious – your words may stick in his/her mind for years to come.

Don’t flip/flop

It’s difficult to hurt someone’s feelings, and in the moment it may seem like it’s a good idea to try again. Don’t do this – you’ll be faced with the same problems in the future, and it’ll only be more difficult to break up at that time.

No contact

Everyone violates this rule. They insist on trying to forge a friendship out of a recently broken up relationship. It’s a bad idea, and it only makes it harder for both parties. If possible, don’t mention friendship, or speak of it in terms of way down the road. No contact: A simple rule, so follow it!

For more help, check out the break-up guides below:

How to break up for men, and how to break up for women.

Relationships & Breaking Up