Emotional abuse is more difficult to diagnose than physical abuse because the symptoms can slowly work their way into a relationship. This starts with unhealthy behavior patterns and escalates to something more troubling. For example, an emotionally abusive partner tries to manipulate you to get what they want. They often don’t mean to hurt you, but their controlling nature makes them behave in ways that are emotionally harmful to you.

What signs should you look for to determine if your relationship is an emotionally abusive one?  Here are a few:

  • You are afraid to express yourself freely with your partner, and feel like you have to watch what you say.
  • Your partner’s jealousy often keeps you from doing things you want with the opposite sex, even friends and colleagues.
  • Your partner frequently criticizes you, humiliates you in front of others, and you feel like your self-esteem has taken a blow since you met him or her.
  • Your partner prevents you from spending time with your friends, family, and anyone else outside of the relationship.
  • Your partner monitors your internet usage or reads your email correspondence.
  • Your partner has hinted at the possibility of hurting you or your loved ones if you ever betrayed him or her, or if you ever broke off the relationship.
  • Your partner has hinted at the possibility of hurting himself or herself, or even committing suicide if you ever broke off the relationship.

This is by no means a comprehensive list of what to look for in an emotionally abusive relationship, but it gives you an idea of some of the major warning signs. The last sign – a partner who threatens suicide – is an especially dangerous manipulative tactic. If your partner threatens suicide if you don’t do what they want, they are essentially taking you as their hostage in the relationship. If this is the case in your relationship, you need to get a third party involved as soon as possible.

If you think you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, you need to get help or get out as soon as possible. Even if the situation never escalates to physical abuse, you should be aware that emotional abuse is just as harmful and can lead to stress, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and other problems that will disrupt your life.

Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse can be harder to identify, because it can slowly creep into a relationship without either partner realizing it. Often, the abuser isn’t even aware of what he or she is doing (and would probably deny it if it were brought to light).

Emotionally abusive partners seek to manipulate you. They often don’t want to hurt you, but their controlling nature makes them act out in a way that is mentally and emotionally harmful. Here are some signs that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship:

  • You feel that you can’t express yourself freely with your partner, or you have to “walk on eggshells.”
  • Your partner frequently express jealousy, and keeps you from engaging in normal interactions with the opposite sex
  • Your partner frequently yells at you, criticizes you, or undermines your self-esteem
  • Your partner keeps you from your friends, family and support groups outside of the relationship
  • You caught your partner monitoring your email or internet usage
  • Your partner alludes to the possibility of harming you or your loved ones if you “betrayed” or left him or her
  • Your partner implies that if you were to leave, he or she may commit suicide or engage in other self-harm

This is not an exhaustive list, and is just meant to point out some of the trends of an emotionally abusive relationship. Regarding the last bullet point — threats of suicide — it is an especially manipulative tactic. If your partner holds their potential suicide over their head, they are essentially attempting to take you hostage. You need to bring in a third party if they resort to this or any other form of violence.

Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, and can lead to chronic anxiety, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder.  If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, you need to get help and get out, and you need to do it fast.  There are two immediate steps you should take:

1) Realize that this situation is NOT OK and can’t go on any longer.  Don’t kid yourself: Your partner’s yelling, constant criticism, “freaking out,” etc.,  is not a “quirk” you should tolerate.

2) You need to create some space for you to get your mind back.  Do whatever you can to create some physical and psychological space.  Once you’re away from your partner’s controlling domain and able to find refuge with family and friends, you’ll gain the perspective you need to take the steps to leave.

Leave an Emotionally Abusive Relationship (for women)

Leave an Emotionally Abusive Relationship (for men)

Often times, there’s a significant gap between the time we realize a relationship isn’t working and the time we pull the plug. Most of us make the mistake of staying too long. Here are some common reasons why people get stuck in unhappy relationships:

1) We do it for “his/her sake”

A common reason for delaying a break up is to prevent our partner from feeling pain. We may feel that the decision to spare our partner’s feelings is a noble choice, but in fact it’s usually more damaging in the long-run. Your partner has the right to an authentic relationship with someone who wants to be with him or her. By drawing things out and wasting your partner’s time, you’re doing a disservice to both you and your partner.

Don’t use the “I don’t want to hurt him/her” excuse to avoid this important decision.

2) We forget we have a choice.

You’ve become a pair. You more commonly use the term “we” than “I.” It takes you a while to realize that relationships aren’t written in stone. Relationships should broaden your horizons and add to life’s joys. When you find that your relationship has closed you off and made happiness impossible, it’s time to remember that you chose this, and now you can choose again.

3) We’re so invested

It’s the same mentality as the businessman who keeps throwing money at a failing business: You can’t stop now, after all that you’ve invested. This is a common but irrational mentality: The fact that you’ve spent a lot of time together does not mean that you can’t leave in the future.

4) People expect us to stay together

Your friends know you as a happy couple. Perhaps you’re even engaged, and families and friends expect a wedding. Maybe you fear you’ll be judged by your community or religious organization if you don’t keep trying.

Staying on account of other people’s expectations is a prescription for continued unhappiness. Be true to yourself first.

5) Obsession with “fixing” the relationship

I’ve seen sources of relationship advice that maintain that under almost no circumstances should a couple “give up” on making it work. That’s nonsense. Sometimes the dynamic between a couple can give rise to a perpetually unhappy — or even unhealthy — relationship.

Yes, there are countless resources that will give you advice on how to save a relationship. However, you first have to determine that the relationship has enough value in the first place. Don’t go on a mission to save a relationship you don’t truly desire.

6) Fear of the break up

If you’re with an emotionally volatile, verbally abusive, or physically abusive person, you may be so conditioned to keep the peace that you refuse to even think of breaking up. You know you won’t be able to take their reaction, and you may even fear that they’ll resort to violence or self-harm (suicide threats, etc.). If this is the case, it’s no wonder you’re feeling stuck.

The good news is that once you bring these reasons to light, you’ll realize that your excuses no longer have merit. If you decide you want to break up but still don’t know how you’re going to do it (or get through it), I suggest you either seek professional counseling, or get my books:

How to Break Up (for women)
How to Break Up (for men)

Don’t delay

Do you have the sense that eventually you will leave your partner, though now is just not the right time.  With a birthday coming up, a parent who is ill, or an important interview on the horizon, you just can’t leave her now in her time of need.  The truth is, there is never a good time to leave, and the sooner you do it, the sooner you both can get on with your lives.

Do it in person, if possible.

Breakups can be traumatic for both parties, but especially for the person being “dumped.”  Do everything you can to show them the respect and consideration they deserve.  Don’t break-up by email or text!

Don’t Criticize

Be honest, but leave you personal criticizm. Talk about the circumstances, and not about personal faults.  Avoid blaming.

That said, you can gently criticize if you think it will help them in the future, though be sensitive and cautious – your words may stick in his/her mind for years to come.

Don’t flip/flop

It’s difficult to hurt someone’s feelings, and in the moment it may seem like it’s a good idea to try again. Don’t do this – you’ll be faced with the same problems in the future, and it’ll only be more difficult to break up at that time.

No contact

Everyone violates this rule. They insist on trying to forge a friendship out of a recently broken up relationship.  It’s a bad idea, and it only makes it harder for both parties.  If possible, don’t mention friendship, or speak of it in terms of way down the road.  No contact: A simple rule, so follow it!

For more help, check out the break-up guides below:

How to break up for men, and how to break up for women.

LISTEN EVERYONE:

I give a lot of advice letting people know the best way to break up.  Yes, sometimes it can feel impossible to finally let go, especially when you’re overcome with guilt, and you just don’t know how you’re going to break it off.

I get emails from men and women asking how they can finally pull the plug on an unhappy relationship.  I’m proud to say that I’ve helped many people summon up the courage to end unhappy/unhealthy relationships.

I don’t have time to answer everyone on an individual basis, but I began to realize something… Most people just want to know a few things:

  • What is the BEST way to break-up?
  • How can I do it in a way that doesn’t hurt him/her?
  • What can I do about all this guilt that is keeping me trapped?
  • What if we’re ENGAGED, or if we share an apartment, or if I have NO MONEY?
  • How do I deal with attempts to manipulate me emotionally?
  • I know he/she is going to FREAK OUT!  What then??

buy the breakup blueprintI set-out to write an ebook that answers all these questions and more, guiding you through your break-up.  This is THE definitive break-up book for both men and women.  If you’re thinking of breaking up, but you’re hesitating FOR ANY REASON…you need this book.

So many people wait weeks, months or even years in relationships that they no longer want.  Don’t waste your life with someone who is no longer a match for you.  This is the only book of its kind: No fluff – just 37 pages of exactly what you need to leave your relationship with as little pain (for you both!) as possible.

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Breaking up is not as hard as you think — I promise.  Stop hesitating and take the first step.

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