When To Break Up | Relationships & Breaking Up

“Should I divorce?” Advice to determine if you should break up your marriage

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Sep 262009

Nobody gets married with the idea of getting a divorce if it doesn’t work out. We marry because we love each other and we’re sure that it will be that way till death separates us. But even the best of intentions and the most Herculean efforts must sometimes meet a brick wall and that’s when we know that it’s time to move on.

What are the Symptoms?

If you think you’ve hit the wall, ask yourself a few questions:

Do they expect you to make them happy?

Do you have to account for every moment of your time?

Has your spouse lost interest in being alone with you?

Does your spouse make excuses not to go places or do things?

Are you arguing over silly things, or do you both fly off the handle at the least little thing?

If you’re experiencing any of these symptoms in your marriage you should run, not walk to a marriage counselor or trusted clergy member that is qualified in couples counseling. It won’t get better on its own, just as an ear infection doesn’t disappear without antibiotics. Just as an untreated ear infection can result in a ruined eardrum, ignoring the strife in your marriage can lead to divorce.

What if Nothing Works?

If your mate refuses to get counseling or admit that the two of you have a problem, you have two choices; you can live with it or you can end it. Before you make a decision that is such a significant life changer you should do a bit of research.

First, make two separate lists. One will consist of the negative things in your marriage in one column and the other will list the positive things. Your second list will concern your mate; list the traits that he or she had when you were first married and then their personality traits at the present time. How have they changed? Is there something on the first list that corresponds to the second? Lists are a good tool to use in taking an objective look at your marriage. They can also allow you to see events and consequences that correspond. Perhaps your spouse began to disconnect with you after the loss of a job or an illness.

If you can find no connections to the disruption in your marriage, take another look at your first list. Do the good things outweigh the bad? Are they something that can be fixed if you share it with your spouse? If not, perhaps it’s time to have one last conversation and discuss ending the marriage.

A Happy Ending?

It’s important to realize that every couple goes through difficult times. Most of these trials can make the couple stronger and more committed but sometimes even the most dedicated marriages break apart. Knowing when to end it can spare everyone more pain and may even result in parting as friends. The end of the marriage could actually be the beginning of a rewarding friendship.

Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 7 Signs that Your Partner is Abusive

emotional abuse, unhappy relationships, unhealthy relationship, when to break up 1 Response »

Sep 012009

Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse can be harder to identify, because it can slowly creep into a relationship without either partner realizing it. Often, the abuser isn’t even aware of what he or she is doing (and would probably deny it if it were brought to light).

Emotionally abusive partners seek to manipulate you. They often don’t want to hurt you, but their controlling nature makes them act out in a way that is mentally and emotionally harmful. Here are some signs that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship:

You feel that you can’t express yourself freely with your partner, or you have to “walk on eggshells.”
Your partner frequently express jealousy, and keeps you from engaging in normal interactions with the opposite sex
Your partner frequently yells at you, criticizes you, or undermines your self-esteem
Your partner keeps you from your friends, family and support groups outside of the relationship
You caught your partner monitoring your email or internet usage
Your partner alludes to the possibility of harming you or your loved ones if you “betrayed” or left him or her
Your partner implies that if you were to leave, he or she may commit suicide or engage in other self-harm

This is not an exhaustive list, and is just meant to point out some of the trends of an emotionally abusive relationship. Regarding the last bullet point — threats of suicide — it is an especially manipulative tactic. If your partner holds their potential suicide over their head, they are essentially attempting to take you hostage. You need to bring in a third party if they resort to this or any other form of violence.

Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, and can lead to chronic anxiety, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder. If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, you need to get help and get out, and you need to do it fast. There are two immediate steps you should take:

1) Realize that this situation is NOT OK and can’t go on any longer. Don’t kid yourself: Your partner’s yelling, constant criticism, “freaking out,” etc., is not a “quirk” you should tolerate.

2) You need to create some space for you to get your mind back. Do whatever you can to create some physical and psychological space. Once you’re away from your partner’s controlling domain and able to find refuge with family and friends, you’ll gain the perspective you need to take the steps to leave.

Leave an Emotionally Abusive Relationship (for women)

Leave an Emotionally Abusive Relationship (for men)

Breaking Up with Your Boyfriend: How to Know if it’s Time

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Aug 272009

Today we have a guest blog from Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) and relationship expert who goes by the name Perry (online, at least). Perry is giving her take on when you might consider breaking up with your boyfriend).

You’ve been with the same guy for over a year now. You’re in it for the win: marriage with children, the whole shebang. You thought you’d found Mr. Right, but lately you’re starting to wonder. How can you tell when you’ve let a relationship go on too long?

You’re at different points in life.

You’re high school sweethearts, together since freshman year, but now it’s time for you to go off to college, and your boyfriend is staying local. Or maybe your man is ready for commitment, but you still need time to settle down. Remember always to put yourself first. Don’t give up that dream job or that year in South America you’ve been planning your whole life. If your relationship isn’t compatible with your own personal goals, then you and your guy may need to go separate ways.

You want different things out of life.

Some say relationships are all about compromise; but everyone knows that compromise is often a euphemism for nobody getting what he or she really wants. It’s all right to compromise on the color of your bed sheets or on where to go for dinner; but when it comes to bigger, more serious matters-like city or suburbs, Christmas or Hanukkah, how many kids to have, or whether to have them at all-compromise isn’t always an option. If you’re starting to realize that he may not want the same things out of life as you do, then you may want to start thinking of finding someone else.

He doesn’t do the things he used to do.

Remember when you two first met? Remember all those cute little things he did that made you fall in love with him? Did he tell stupid jokes to make you smile, hold you by the waist when he kissed you good night, and text you from work to tell you he was thinking of you? If those things stopped-which they typically do-you may want to ask yourself what’s keeping you in the relationship. Are you really in love with the guy, or did you just fall in love with the way he treated you? Lots of guys can play the game; but when it’s game over, don’t let his all-star performance keep you in a relationship that you don’t really want.

You don’t do the things you used to do.

On the same note, do you remember the things that you used to do? You probably used to call your girlfriends to analyze the last detail of every date. You probably agonized over whether to call him or wait for him to call you. You probably gushed over his every move. But now that the romance has dwindled down, are you starting to find his every move a little bit obnoxious? If you aren’t responding to your man like you used to, it’s possible you may be over him without even knowing it.

You have thoughts of being with other men.

It’s one thing to look; it’s another to think. If you find yourself fantasizing about being with other men-not just sexually but also emotionally-you may not be as happy with your current mate as you need to be if things are going to last. Take inventory of how often you consider leaving your relationship for a new one. You may in fact be ready for a change.

When to Break Up With Your Boyfriend

break up, ending a relationship, when to break up 1 Response »

Aug 142009

1. You’re at different points in life.
You’re high school sweethearts, together since freshman year, but now it’s time for you to go off to college, and your boyfriend is staying local. Or maybe your man is ready for commitment, but you still need time to settle down. Remember always to put yourself first. Don’t give up that dream job or that year in South America you’ve been planning your whole life. If your relationship isn’t compatible with your own personal goals, then you and your guy may need to go separate ways.

2. You want different things out of life.
Some say relationships are all about compromise; but everyone knows that compromise is often a euphemism for nobody getting what he or she really wants. It’s all right to compromise on the color of your bed sheets or on where to go for dinner; but when it comes to bigger, more serious matters-like city or suburbs, Christmas or Hanukkah, how many kids to have, or whether to have them at all-compromise isn’t always an option. If you’re starting to realize that he may not want the same things out of life as you do, then you may want to start thinking of finding someone else.

3. He doesn’t do the things he used to do.
Remember when you two first met? Remember all those cute little things he did that made you fall in love with him? Did he tell stupid jokes to make you smile, hold you by the waist when he kissed you good night, and text you from work to tell you he was thinking of you? If those things stopped-which they typically do-you may want to ask yourself what’s keeping you in the relationship. Are you really in love with the guy, or did you just fall in love with the way he treated you? Lots of guys can play the game; but when it’s game over, don’t let his all-star performance keep you in a relationship that you don’t really want.

4. You don’t do the things you used to do.
On the same note, do you remember the things that you used to do? You probably used to call your girlfriends to analyze the last detail of every date. You probably agonized over whether to call him or wait for him to call you. You probably gushed over his every move. But now that the romance has dwindled down, are you starting to find his every move a little bit obnoxious? If you aren’t responding to your man like you used to, it’s possible you may be over him without even knowing it.

5. You have thoughts of being with other men.
It’s one thing to look; it’s another to think. If you find yourself fantasizing about being with other men-not just sexually but also emotionally-you may not be as happy with your current mate as you need to be if things are going to last. Take inventory of how often you consider leaving your relationship for a new one. You may in fact be ready for a change.

If you need help ending a relationship, go here for your break up guide: www.LeavingHim.com

Break Off an Engagement: How to Break Up With Your Fiance and Avoid a Marriage You Don’t Want

break up, breaking up, ending a relationship, engagement, fiance, marriage, when to break up 54 Responses »

Aug 112009

A marriage can be a beautiful thing.

But…if you’re on the path to marriage, and a part of your brain is yelling, “This isn’t what I want!,” you may want to reconsider. Sometimes we get caught up in the expectations of our partner, our family, our partner’s family, or society (“We’ve been dating for 2 years, so I guess I have to…”).

A relationship is a choice to build something. If you’re on the verge of proposing — or you’re already engaged – and you have a sense that it’s not truly what you want…you may be setting both of you up for a difficult life.

By the time you have the courage to pursue a life you want, you may have kids, financial obligations, and a whole list of reasons why you can’t leave.

But if you’re not married, you don’t have those obligations. You still have a choice.

Unfortunately, most of us have a talent for creating excuses for staying:

“He’ll go berserk if I leave.”
“I’m really close with his family.”
“She’s already started planning the wedding.”
“I gave her my word (and a ring).”

Regarding the last point, yes, keeping promises is important, but fulfilling a promise of marriage is the wrong choice if you’re experiencing strong doubt. If you made that promise in error, you must let her know sooner rather than later.

The bottom line is this: If you’re having strong second thoughts (not just cold feet) about your engagement, or you never felt truly committed to the idea in the first place, you may be destined for:

1) A lifetime of disappointment

2) A difficult divorce

You need to make a decision now, and act on it, so you don’t waste BOTH your lives.

Should You Leave Him (or Her)? Knowing When to Breakup an Unhealthy Relationship

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Jul 262009

“Sometimes, it can be difficult to know when to leave a relationship.
Perhaps things aren’t great, but they’re not too bad either. It’s easy
to sit on the fence for a while and just let fate take over, but it’s
better to make a deliberate choice to stay or go. When making this
decision, an important question to ask yourself is, “”Is this
relationship unhealthy?”"

Unhealthy relationships follow identifiable patterns. Though
circumstances always vary from couple to couple, they are often
characterized by:

- Frequent arguments
- Frequent criticism on either side
- Inability to tolerate the other’s personal quirks
- Intolerance of the other’s friends or family
- Unfair expectations
- Hyper-sensitivity by one or both partners
- Intolerance of occasional lapses of attention
- Psychological problems that lead to behavioral ones
- Inability to address conflicts in a mature fashion
- Excessive jealousy and mistrust
- Extreme insecurity or major obstacles involving low self-esteem
- One or both partners have addictive or destructive tendencies
- Few, if any, mutual friends
- One partner gets easily upset over unimportant or petty things
- Excessive clingy-ness
- One or both partners feels as if they are “”walking on eggshells”"
much of the time
- Difficulty discussing feelings

This is by no means and exhaustive list, and just represents some of
the traits that characterize an unhealthy relationship.

Your significant other is supposed to be a source of comfort in the
world, not a persistent source of stress and anxiety. If your
relationship offers no sense of peace or safety, it’s time to end it.
If the problems escalate to physical or emotional abuse, the need to
breakup is even more urgent.

If you want to leave your partner but have too much fear and anxiety
at the thought of breaking up, there is help. Check out the links
below.

Michael Freeman, M.A., helps women and men get FREEDOM from unhappy
relationships. Ladies can find breakup guidance here, and men can find
help here.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Michael_S._Freeman

Michael Freeman, M.A., helps men and women leave unhappy, unhealthy relationships. See w www.leavinghim.com (for women), or www.leavingher.com (for men).

How to Break Up: General Guidelines

break up, breaking up, ending a relationship, how to break up, relationship break up, unhappy relationships, when to break up No Responses »

Jul 092009

Don’t delay

Do you have the sense that eventually you will leave your partner, though now is just not the right time. With a birthday coming up, a parent who is ill, or an important interview on the horizon, you just can’t leave her now in her time of need. The truth is, there is never a good time to leave, and the sooner you do it, the sooner you both can get on with your lives.

Do it in person, if possible.

Breakups can be traumatic for both parties, but especially for the person being “dumped.” Do everything you can to show them the respect and consideration they deserve. Don’t break-up by email or text!

Don’t Criticize

Be honest, but leave you personal criticizm. Talk about the circumstances, and not about personal faults. Avoid blaming.

That said, you can gently criticize if you think it will help them in the future, though be sensitive and cautious – your words may stick in his/her mind for years to come.

Don’t flip/flop

It’s difficult to hurt someone’s feelings, and in the moment it may seem like it’s a good idea to try again. Don’t do this – you’ll be faced with the same problems in the future, and it’ll only be more difficult to break up at that time.

No contact

Everyone violates this rule. They insist on trying to forge a friendship out of a recently broken up relationship. It’s a bad idea, and it only makes it harder for both parties. If possible, don’t mention friendship, or speak of it in terms of way down the road. No contact: A simple rule, so follow it!

For more help, check out the break-up guides below:

How to break up for men, and how to break up for women.

Finally…Learn How to Break-Up as PAINLESSLY as Possible

breaking up, how to break up, unhappy relationships, unhealthy relationship, when to break up 1 Response »

Jan 052009

LISTEN EVERYONE:

I give a lot of advice letting people know the best way to break up. Yes, sometimes it can feel impossible to finally let go, especially when you’re overcome with guilt, and you just don’t know how you’re going to break it off.

I get emails from men and women asking how they can finally pull the plug on an unhappy relationship. I’m proud to say that I’ve helped many people summon up the courage to end unhappy/unhealthy relationships.

I don’t have time to answer everyone on an individual basis, but I began to realize something… Most people just want to know a few things:

What is the BEST way to break-up?
How can I do it in a way that doesn’t hurt him/her?
What can I do about all this guilt that is keeping me trapped?
What if we’re ENGAGED, or if we share an apartment, or if I have NO MONEY?
How do I deal with attempts to manipulate me emotionally?
I know he/she is going to FREAK OUT! What then??

I set-out to write an ebook that answers all these questions and more, guiding you through your break-up. This is THE definitive break-up book for both men and women. If you’re thinking of breaking up, but you’re hesitating FOR ANY REASON…you need this book.

So many people wait weeks, months or even years in relationships that they no longer want. Don’t waste your life with someone who is no longer a match for you. This is the only book of its kind: No fluff – just 37 pages of exactly what you need to leave your relationship with as little pain (for you both!) as possible.

The ebook delivered in easy-to-read PD format (viewable on any PC or Mac).

Breaking up is not as hard as you think — I promise. Stop hesitating and take the first step.

Get your copy now

Again, this is only $29.95, and it’s an INSTANT DOWNLOAD — you’ll be reading it within 1 minute of CLICKING HERE

Michael Freeman, M.A.

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