You do not need visible injuries or a diagnosis before asking for help with a relationship that feels frightening, restrictive or degrading. Start with what is happening and how it affects your ability to make ordinary choices.
Support can help you understand options while you are still unsure what to call the situation. You do not have to promise to leave, confront your partner or prove their intentions before talking to someone.
On this page
Notice patterns you can describe
The National Domestic Violence Hotline describes emotional abuse through behaviours such as control, isolation, humiliation and threats. Seven examples you could discuss with a helper are listed below.
This is not a score. A single serious threat deserves attention, and ordinary disagreement is not the same as a repeated pattern of fear or control. Describe what occurred rather than trying to diagnose your partner.
- Repeated insults, humiliation or intimidation.
- Pressure to stop seeing friends or family.
- Monitoring messages, accounts or movements without freely given agreement.
- Demands for permission over ordinary choices.
- Repeatedly blaming you for their harmful behaviour.
- Pressure or punishment when you say no.
- Threats to hurt you, someone else or themselves.
Choose a safer way to tell someone
Consider a trusted person, a domestic abuse service or a healthcare professional. You might begin: “I’m worried about how my partner reacts when I disagree. Could I talk privately about what has been happening?”
If devices or accounts may be monitored, consider access to a safer way of contacting support. Do not assume clearing a history guarantees privacy. A specialist can help you consider the risks of changing accounts, passwords or location settings in your circumstances.
Ask for the kind of help you need now
You might want someone to listen, help with an appointment, information about housing or a safety plan. A specific request can help: “Please don’t contact my partner. Could you help me find out what support is available?”
A helper may have limits, and a particular service may not offer every kind of assistance. Ask about accessibility, costs, privacy and available support rather than assuming that one phone call will solve all practical needs.
Prepare questions for a support conversation
If it is safe, think of a recent example and the concern it raises. You do not need an exhaustive record to begin asking for help. Ask how the service handles information, what choices remain yours and whether it can help with the issue you have named.
You can ask for explanations, take time to think or say that you are not ready to discuss a detail. If keeping written notes or records could expose you to risk, discuss alternatives with a specialist rather than gathering material simply because a checklist says to.
Take threats seriously and involve appropriate help
If anyone is in immediate danger, contact local emergency services when safe. If a partner threatens suicide or self-harm, do not assume it is harmless or try to manage the risk alone. Seek qualified crisis or emergency support appropriate to the urgency.
The Hotline has guidance about a partner’s suicide threats. You can care about their safety while seeking help for your own. You do not have to promise to remain in a relationship as the only response to a crisis.
Plan support around the choice you are considering
You may want help while remaining in the relationship, preparing to leave or managing contact after separation. Tell a helper which situation you are in and what worries you most. There may be several steps between getting information and making a change.
The Hotline’s overview of abuse can help you explore concerns beyond physical harm. The related guides below offer more detail on patterns, practical planning and supporting someone else.